A Drama King's LiveJournal
by PsychDragoonX-Archives
Summary: Kuja gets a LiveJournal. Enough said. Kuja posted again!
1. Post I: Dammit!

Author's Note: Hello, readers! I've decided to start another humor based series about Kuja. This was inspired reading eilie277's FF7 LiveJournal fic, which I found highly amusing. If you like this, I'm sure you'll find that one funny also. (/praises)

Disclaimer: It isn't like that I own LiveJournal or FF9… No, they belong to their respective owners. Sigh.

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**A Drama King's LiveJournal**

**By: PsychDragoonX**

**Original Concept: Unknown, read Author's Note**

**Post I: Dammit!**

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Welcome to LiveJournal, FeatherMage! We are so happy that you decided to join us and start telling everyone about your life! And –_click_-

**Entry: March 12, 2006**

_Curse the gods_

Hello, my name is Kuja, and I am posting on LiveJournal. I'm sure there's a support group for this kind of trauma. If so, that sentence goes out to them and please email me some contact information. My psychiatrist lacks the necessary intelligence to handle the permanent effects of this.

…But if there is a support group on this site, I will kill someone. Namely, the one who forced me into doing this.

Who, you ask? His name is Kefka. I lost a bet considering who could take over the world the quickest. …I'd prefer not to go into detail regarding the fact that I lost. The consequence was to start a LiveJournal. That psychotic freak with the fake feathers. And I'm as surprised as when Zidane found out our lineage when I discovered there are indeed computers with internet access in the afterlife.

I may occasionally throw tidbits of my REAL journal (the one I had that I documented IRL – Oh look! The mandatory internet acronym. Please, die) here and there, just to produce drama. I'm a drama whore like that.

I'll be dammed if anyone reads this.

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**COMMENTS:**

**1: Masamune4eva:**

Ha ha ha ha, loser!

REPLY:

Oh, you. –_yawn_- Don't you have Cloud to fuck or something? I hate you. Are aren't allowed on my friend list.

…Did I actually just say that?

**2: Cloud9:**

? What do you mean, Sephiroth "fucking" me!

REPLY:

Oh you pitiful blonde. To fuck is to have sex and/or have some sort of fetish with. I KNOW with your two ever-compensating swords and his leather "Flowers for 1 gil – Other Services for 1 gil" outfit, you two have some chemistry… Keeheeheehee…

**3: Masamune4eva:**

WHAT! I DO NOT LIKE HIM!

REPLY:

Oh, yes. Thank you for making that observation of my mistake. I meant to say that you _love_ him.

**4: UWEE666:**

Uwee hee hee hee! I won! I won! I won! LOOSA!

REPLY:

Why do you type like that? Oh yes. It's because that you have such a case with pyrophillia, you became too stupid to make comprehensible language.

**5: SexyGenome17:**

Hey Kuja! Heh, so you finally got an account? Listen, there's this one site I think you should check out… check your email.

REPLY:

-_Checks email_- …Oh my god.


	2. Post II: Omfg

Author's Note: Thank you so much to all of those who reviewed! You guys really brightened my day. There is a concern that this may be deleted, but let's pray that won't happen. XD So, here we are, with more internet acronym usage from Kuja. Sardonic indeed.

Disclaimer: You must understand – I own nothing. Square and LiveJournal can vouch that for me.

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**A Drama King's LiveJournal**

**Author: PsychDragoonX**

**Post II: …Omfg.**

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Logged in as FeatherMage.

**Entry: March 15, 2006**

_Daily Internet Acronym Usage: Omfg_

As you might have read in my previous post's comments, my brother, Zidane (aka SexyGenome17), sent me a link to a… certain site that I'm going to explain now.

People are stalking me. No, I'm not being paranoid. People know where I live, people know what I do, people know what I did. They are FOLLOWING me. They started many fanlistings and cults. But that's not the disturbing part.

The disturbing part is that it featured incestuous yaoi pictures with Zidane and me. I'm openminded to the fact that I could be indeed having sex with another guy, but… Zidane, I love you as a sweet lovable moronic younger brother that I can pick on whenever I'm bored, but not like THAT. Got it?

So… I'm being tortured, stalked, and inviting my brother over for more than just afternoon tea. Lovely life people make it out to be.

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**COMMENTS:**

**1: SexyGenome17:**

Aww, you love me? Thanks. –_hugs you_-

REPLY:

The disturbing part is that it featured incestuous yaoi pictures with Zidane and me. I'm openminded to the fact that I could be indeed having sex with another guy, but… Zidane, I love you as a sweet lovable moronic younger brother that I can pick on whenever I'm bored, but not like THAT. Got it?

**2: KujaFangirl9485028573:**

So you're homophobic, you jerk?

REPLY:

The disturbing part is that it featured incestuous yaoi pictures with Zidane and me. I'm openminded to the fact that I could be indeed having sex with another guy, but… Zidane, I love you as a sweet lovable moronic younger brother that I can pick on whenever I'm bored, but not like THAT. Got it?

And please stop stalking me.

**3: KujaFangirl2930403984:**

YOU KILL WHATEVER IMAGINATION WE HAVE! I HATE YOU!

REPLY:

The disturbing part is that it featured incestuous yaoi pictures with Zidane and me. I'm openminded to the fact that I could be indeed having sex with another guy, but… Zidane, I love you as a sweet lovable moronic younger brother that I can pick on whenever I'm bored, but not like THAT. Got it?

And please stop stalking me.

**4: LiveJournal:**

-_gets flooded by KujaFangirls_-

REPLY:

The disturbing part is that it featured incestuous yaoi pictures with Zidane and me. I'm openminded to the fact that I could be indeed having sex with another guy, but… Zidane, I love you as a sweet lovable moronic younger brother that I can pick on whenever I'm bored, but not like THAT. Got it?

And please stop stalking me.

CLOSED TO FURTHER COMMENTS:

If I have to copy and paste one more time…

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_Lovely_

I just discovered the ultimate stalkers. They are a group of people that love to change their names (But I will keep track, so that I may kill them one day soon. Preferably by telekinetically mess up their stock market and make everyone as fat as the ugly elephant lady). This time, they're Square-Enix. They made a fucking VIDEO GAME about my life! …and they were quite accurate, I must admit.

Another shocking discovery – they have video games in the afterlife also. Hell, it's just like real life sans the need to eat. And here I was dreading going to Hell and being eternally tortured by my sins. If I see Garland, I am going to laugh in his face and kick him off another cliff.

Although, I am curious to play the other Final Fantasies…

**COMMENTS:**

**1: Masamune4eva:**

Hahahaha… Yes… welcome to the afterlife. I've got other sites to show you… Ha ha ha ha… and soon I shall become one with the After Planet and give myself to Mother…

REPLY:

That just sounded really in need of a your mom joke now, but I'll resist. Have fun licking her right breast, Oedipus.

**2: Masamune4eva:**

…

REPLY:

Yes, that what I fell like whenever I have to talk to you.

**3: KujaFangirl20485730595:**

THIS COMMENT HAS BEEN DELETED.

REPLY:

You didn't want to hear that. Trust me.

**4: SexyGenome17:**

Oh yeah, btw, did you get my invitation for afternoon tea?

REPLY:

I don't think I want any afternoon tea right now… Idiot.

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Thank you all again for the reviews! So many so quick! See you all in the next entry!


	3. Post III: Starbucks is a Cult

Author's Note: You guys are sweet! So many reviews… You get a treat for so many fast reviews! An extra chapter today!

Disclaimer: Ask the government. Square-Enix owns Final Fantasy. Not I. Nor do I own Starbucks. –_shudders at the thought of a Starbucks fanfiction_- Nor do I own whatever appears here that you recognize as others' work.

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**A Drama King's LiveJournal**

**Author: PsychDragoonX**

**Post III: Starbucks is a Cult**

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Logged in as FeatherMage.

**Entry: March 15, 2006**

_Starbucks is a Cult_

I like coffee. Who doesn't? But, I must say, they are religious fanatics. There was one every half block on the street that I live on, dead people stalking me. I met up with the ugly elephant lady at the coffee shop, and she was drunk. Do not ask me, I have no fucking clue how she could be drunk in a coffee shop and liquor stores are non existent. And I must say, she looked fatter than the shop itself.

But I digress. Here's basically how the scene went:

I approach the shop. "Oh dear gods, why the hell must you be here, the Starbucks closest to my place?"

"Hic."

"…Drunk? On coffee and brownies?"

"Whozzat?"

_Hmm… she doesn't remember me… Keeheehee…_ so I got out my compact make up mirror – what? What's so funny? Oh. A guy with make up ha ha ha. I can't help it if I want to look presentable whenever I cast the spells that make the peoples fall down. (Note to self: Spend less time at 8bit-Theater because Kefka needs to be kicked in the crotch. Very hard.) As I was saying, I fixed my features up temporarily with my magic so that I can look like a woman. …Don't. Say. A. Word. "Why, I'm no other than Starbucks herself!"

"Oh. You haaave lovely coff –hic- ee."

"Yes, now. You need to drink more, dear."

"Why thank you."

"That'll be 9999 gil, please."

"Ok."

End scene.

But I digress even more.

The reason why Starbucks is a cult is that I met up with none other than Emoroth himself. Not wanting to put up with Oedipus's brother-that-probably-he-has-sex-with-also, I went into the next Starbucks, craving a Mocha Latte Cappuccino Vanilla-Chocolate Blend No. 902 With Cinnamon-Otmeal Blend No. 23 With Antifreeze Espresso shot (if you can't tell that's sarcasm, you need to stop breathing). I saw Kefka talking to a Sephiroth copy through the window.

So I went to the next one. I saw Oedipus there again wearing shades playing bongos while reciting poetry that could compare with a 2 year old's skills.

Next one over… Kefka again. Explicitly burning the place. Not wanting my thong burned, I moved on.

Sephiroth Copy No. 2: Explicitly… umm… let's just say… insert incest scene here.

This next one did it. There was all the pathetic generic Final Fantasy villains (save Cloud of Darkness, as that didn't get killed legally by Americans yet) having a rave. I went back home.

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**COMMENTS:**

**1: Masamune4eva:**

Dot dot fucking dot.

REPLY:

Indeed.

**2: UWEE666:**

COMMENT DELETED: Don't even bother talking. I saw you.

NO OTHER COMMENTS

FeatherMage: I told you.

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Hope you enjoyed this!


	4. Post IV: DDR? DDR DDR!

Author's note: Hello, everyone. If you submitted a signed review and I did not send you a PM thanking you, I apologize. I've been a bit busy and I forgot about them. Sorry! But thank you all for the reviews! 20 reviews for 3 chapters… you brighten my day! Now…

Disclaimer: Fanfiction: A fanatic's fictional story based upon a franchise that **he or she does not own legal rights to**. Hint, hint.

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**A Drama King's LiveJournal**

**Author: PsychDragoonX**

**Post IV: DDR? DDR. DDR!**

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Logged in as –_click_-

**Entry: March 16, 2006**

_DDR? Death's Dead Repoman?_

I was browsing the internets (Thank you George Bush for trying to act oh so kewl by pluralizing a singular object!) and I was came across a video game shopping site. Interestingly enough, they had a sale on Dance Dance Revolution Max 2. So, I didn't click there. Instead, I got off my soon-to-be lazy ass and went down to the store and get it myself. They know me by name… I'll have to blast them with Flare later due to them stalking me. Why the hell don't they have a police force? I'm tired of kicking the homeless people despite that you are completely furnished in the afterlife. And the stalkers. Please. I may need to hire a double…

But I digress. In colloquial terms, DDR is EVL. Oh sure, they have an interesting idea and something to help me keep my ever awesome figure in line, but the music selection is pathetic. They have a few nice songs, but most of them are like OMG I'M SOOO LONELY AND EMO. Or OH PLEASE TAKE ME AWAY I'M IN LOVE. Or.. well, that's basically 80 of their track selection. The EVL mystery is that how people can do these things without having a heart attack in the middle of the song or churn your leg bones and muscles into butter. To use on the sandwich that you eat afterwards.

I mean, those arrow patterns are suicide. Granted, not on the beginner or light mode, but standard and heavy… Oh fucking no. It's not humanly possible! And I'm a Genome! It's just… just… DIE DIE DIE DIE!

…Now, please pardon the out of character moment.

Well, I'm now going to browse for more ways to keep myself from being bored in the afterlife.

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**COMMENTS:**

**1: UWEE666:**

No, you just suck. Uweeheeheehee!

REPLY:

Oh! How I am wounded from the sharpness of your wit!

**2: SexyGenome17:**

Practice! You need to start off slow and use your tail. Also, you have to learn each song's dance steps. I can recommend a few sites to you.

REPLY:

Who are you, my personal trainer? Thanks, but this game is going in my closet.

**3: KonnichiwaSanLovesMe:**

What! DDR is like the BEST! Gawd you don't know what you're doing!

REPLY:

Who needs a song called PARANOiA when you've got the real thing from millions of fangirls? And don't you have some materia shop to rob?

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If you don't get the last user's name, just read my Ultima fic. See you next chapter!


	5. Post V: THONG LOL

Author's Note: Hello everyone! Thank you again for all the reviews! Nothing much intelligible to say… so, onward!

Disclaimer: Nothing. Nothing. NOTHING. I own NOTHING.

(Shameless) Advertisement: rasereihojo plutosking com/PsychDragoonX/ImmoralRemix mp3My song! Just fill the spaces with the dots. I know the information says that it's part of OCRemix, but it isn't… yet. Feel free to PM me your opinion of it! And yes, I do indeed suck at music making. XD And thank you Raserei Hojo for hosting it!

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**A Drama King's LiveJournal**

**Author: PsychDragoonX**

**Post V: THONG LOL – To mimic those who are not me**

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Logged in as –_click_- If you do not know who I am by now, I would love to kill you personally before you choke on air.

**Entry: March 18, 2006**

_THONG LOL – To mimic those who are not me_

So, I've been getting a lot of questions directed towards me about my thong and why I wear it. I shall now quote one of the senders:

Omg u wer tat ghey thng al the time. Y? THONG LOL. I mean u havnt gt a par of pantZZ0rZ? LOL

Aside from the grammar from some illiterate without a goal, I'm keeping the sender anonymous, because I want to kill him personally before any of you get to him. To answer your question, you hysterical anorexic cheerleader orgasm who thinks that you're as witty and "ghey" as _moi_, I have several reasons to wear my "ghey thng" in list form:

1: My thong, admittedly, gives me an extra 30 agility. What's so funny? The extra speed allowed me to fully test the powers of Bahamut, as you might recall ever so "ghey". (And yes, I'm on a glorious revolution to make that idiot embarrassed by using "ghey" as much as possible)

2: It's highly fashionable. Call me vain, but I want to look good when on a killing spree. Hmm? Why are you laughing? It's not my fault that you're a tacky bargain bin cheap ugly two-gil whore who thinks yellow and magenta are good colors. But yes, my artistic eye aside, I like to spend money on clothes. It's unknown why, though…

3: It's all about the mentality. If people think I'm harmless, they will be as confused as hell when they see my smirk right before I kill them. Also, wouldn't it be scary if you knew that you lived to see people get completely obliterated by some innocent-looking guy in a thong?

And it's proven that those who question others' sexual orientation is insecure with their own. Don't hate me because I'm beautiful, hate me because I'm going to kick your ass!

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**COMMENTS:**

**1: UWEE666:**

Kuja, you suck! Uwa haa haa haa!

REPLY:

Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off it. It's just that you are the center of all gravitation, dear Kefka.

**2: Masamune4eva:**

My sword is better than you.

REPLY:

While that's debatable, I am at least sexually secure enough to know that without a constant reminder that I carry and probably lube and rub.

**3: SexyGenome17:**

I'm confused…

REPLY:

Of course you are. You are also too confused and stupid to use magic, because you have the mental ability of a gnat.

**4: SexyGamblerDicePlayer:**

You, too, like to spend money looking top notch?

REPLY:

…Who the fuck are you?

**5: DragoonKainLancer:**

I was told from my friends that I could come here to talk about our obsessions of girls. So, about Rydia…

REPLY:

…? Get the fuck off my internet.

**6: CoffeeRepublicAndCakes:**

Terra/Tina… you… do… you…. Umm…. You know… want to…. Yes?

REPLY:

…What is up with all of these people?

**7: TREASUREHUNTERDAMMIT:**

TERRA/TINA IS MINE, EDGAR!

REPLY:

I give up.

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Poor Kuja, having his LJ flooded by idiots and horny guys. See you all next chapter!


	6. Post VI: Damn Cosplayers

Author's Note: Thank you all for the reviews! You are all so kind… and sorry if I haven't PMed you, I've been somewhat busy. But that should change now… So, onward! PS: I was going to upload this several days ago, but decided to hate me.

Disclaimer: How can I put this…? No. Nothing. Je ne possede pas Final Fantasy ou LiveJournal. Fin.

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**A Drama King's LiveJournal**

**Author: PsychDragoonX**

**Post VI: Damn Cosplayers**

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**Entry: March 25, 2006**

_Stupid people who cosplay as me –_

First of all, it's great that you want to pay tribute to me by imitating me. Secondly, YOU ALL DO IT WRONG. ALL OF YOU. NO EXCEPTIONS. Where to begin…?

One, I usually don't care what body frame you have (See? I AM indeed flexible), but… don't be fat. I do not sacrifice chocolate, fat, and general food in order to have some non-thin person mock me for all my efforts! I have no stretch marks! I am THIN! You don't know how hard it is to fit in these clothes! I _ABHOR_ diets like the rest of you, but it must be done. Your target weight: Less than 135 lbs. Strict indeed, but if you want to _resemble_ me, you MUST follow harsh guidelines.

Two, GET THE FUCKING PROPER WIG. It's silver with a lavender hue, NOT white, gray, black, blue, brown, purple, or PINK. Or any other color. And you seem to forget, I have 5 feathers. Not one, two, three, four, or none. FIVE. YES, FIVE. NOT ZERO… like I've seen. Heathens.

Three, my armor. It is purple. Not emo-black and/or blue that screams ChEcK! We ArE fReEdOm'S pEoPlEs! Please, if I ever wanted to convey a message with my armor, as well as my thong and semi-cape, it would be Oh, me? I'm just going to go to shop and buy some tea and cak- FLARE STAR, BTICHES. –_walks off with tea and cakes_- And most of you seem to forget my gold spiky thing. And the gray quasi-belt.

Four, THE POSE. I am not a hysterical twit orgasm, dammit! Pose like you mean it! I do not pick my teeth, or have my fingers all over my face. I am sexy, so work your damn pathetic hips! But I do NOT walk like some PMSing fashion model. Never forget the flicking of the hair. Let's see… Also, don't twirl around like a little giddy schoolgirl – as I am not one. I am a man, I am masculine, I am effeminate. I am NOT a woman. I am NOT feminine.

If I ever see one walking around… I'll kill the next cosplayer. Slowly. And painfully.

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**COMMENTS:**

**1: Masamune4eva:**

Hahaha. No, the reason why people cosplay as you is because you're pathetic. See, _my_ cosplayers are all sexy because I'm sexy.

REPLY:

You impress no one but your mother.

**2: SexyGenome17:**

Yeah, I know what you mean. People always have oversized gloves with me.

REPLY:

You fail to realize that you ALREADY have oversized gloves, you pitiful blonde.

**3: ShyCecilHolyKnight:**

I've heard this was Shy Guys Anonymous… so, about Rosa…

REPLY:

…Not again…

**4: TheNameIsBond:**

My, now this lad likes to wear girls' panties, now doesn't he?

REPLY:

…You? When the fuck did all of these random people come in?

**5: BahamutTamerRydia:**

I've heard this is where I can talk about my various sexual interests… So, about that threesome with Kain and Edge…

REPLY:

This is not a sex channel!

**6: Masamune4eva:**

Lies! This is a place to express yourself, and if I wish incest on my mother, then so be it!

REPLY:

…I give up…

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Poor Kuja… having his LJ hijacked by everyone… Well, I shall update soon! …After I update some of my other fics, that is.


	7. Post VII: The Ultimate Stalkers

Author's Note: Hello everyone! I've started a little game on LiveJournal… Yes, I got an account there, because I've decided to brave the depths of Hell. But the game is… Post on Kuja's LJ as other FF characters! All you need to do is to start an account with a name that would relate to a character (but if there was a character already mentioned here, please use their name), and then post comments! Feel free to PM or email me if you have any questions. Web URL: feathermage (dot) livejournal (dot) com

Disclaimer: No. Nothing. –_checks_- No, still not mine….

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**A Drama King's LiveJournal**

**Author: PsychDragoonX**

**Post VII: The Ultimate Stalkers**

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Lo- -_cli_- No time for that.

I beseech you. All of you. Help me. There are people after me. I know it. I've SEEN it. People are starting to mimic my LiveJournal… I mean…. !

Just… I'm going to write a novel about this… A drama novel…

No, I'm not being paranoid. Just… search the internet, and you'll see for yourselves…

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**COMMENTS**

**1: Masamune4eva:**

O.o

REPLY:

Indeed.

**2: SexyGenome17:**

O.o

REPLY:

In-fucking-deed.

**3: UWEE666:**

Uwee… O.o

REPLY:

Yes!...

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No, this series isn't going to end anytime soon, so don't worry! Sorry for the short chapter and if it seemed like it was in a hurry. This was done on a hysterical orgasm of an idea. See you there!


	8. Post VIII: Oh Dearest Comrade

Author's Note: It's been a while, everyone! Sorry for the absence from the fic scene, many things have happened in my personal life. But anyway, I'm going to be writing again, but less often, unfortunately. Although I present the latest entry in Kuja's journal!

Disclaimer: No, this absence was not a time to negotiate with Square-Enix for ownership over the Final Fantasy Series.

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**A Drama King's LiveJournal**

**Author: PsychDragoonX**

**Post VIII: Oh Dearest Comrade…**

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Logged in as FeatherMage.

Date: January 7, 2007

_Oh dearest comrade…_

The pen that writes of passionate tales is once again called upon. To see another chapter engraved to your very bones... brings a delightful smile to my lips.

But now, as the audience has once again summoned themselves, you must sing the song I've bestowed upon your very soul.

Indeed it has been a while since I've entertained my guests. I'm sure you await another poem sung while destroying some hapless kingdom.

This is also indeed Hell.

Drat.

The auction house, my main income besides tricking coffee drunkards into believing that I am indeed Starbucks, has been closed down by the lovely devil himself due to some fraud issue or he wants to turn it into his personal harem warehouse. Whichever, I was too busy planning his demise.

But now I'm in a Gyshal Pickle, as they say.

You know that my only skills are acting, deception, running an auction house, subtlely taking over kingdoms and stealing their money, destroying kingdoms, and of the sort. Nothing "legitimate" or doable, since Hell is led by some psychotic dictator.

And this is where I mention that I have enough savings to go to a higher educational institute and take up some sort of career-bound course so that I can continue having a stable income.

I have ideas of which field I should go into, maybe sutting up a justice system and become a judge, or practicing telepathic neurosurgery, or, my favorite on so far, go into thereputical psychology.

But I'm not exactly sure which one I should learn. Oh, yes, let me mention that I did indeed study all of the above on Terra, but none of that would apply here since physics itself is twisted here.

And so, I humbly request suggestions on what to study, with the knowlege of going to the best source to ask this type of decisional influence in. The internet. I have full confidence that I will, at the very least, be amused by some of the thoughts that I can hear churning out of your brains all the way from here.

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**COMMENTS:**

**No comments.**


End file.
